scratch

once i painted a rainbow 

just to cover it in 

thick. black. wax.

so that

our daughter 

could scratch it off

to make pictures 

with glimpses of the rainbow underneath 

i tried not to but

i thought of you

my rainbow 

who covered all his colors 

thick. black. dark.

i couldn’t even scratch 

the layers so deep

and my fingers 

desperate and frantic 

bloody and broken 

bones shattering 

beneath your words

now, i, too

add layers over your rainbows

that only exist in my mind now

memories that assault me 

in the quiet moments of the night

or when our daughter dances on stage

so i paint them 

with wax so thick

and dark

and deep

and full of hate

that my sharp, pointed, splintered shining claws

can never reach underneath 

because if i don’t hate you

what then? 

blood on your hands

Love is watching someone die.

Is love blood on your hands, too?

I have to kill everything now.

Music, movies, pictures, restaurants, movies

I must kill the largest part of myself

And soon.

It must die

It must be done

So that I never see it,

So that you can never reach it

So that she can’t ever hear it cry.

So that i won’t ever change my mind

Hands and lips and tears and laughter

All of it pulled from the black recesses

Of where my heart was

Before it died and was destroyed,

All of it must be plucked

And pulverized

And then set on fire

Teach me how.

death of dreams

I am hurting deep inside.
A wound, festering.
It's swelling, hot with angry infection
And threatening to ooze it's poison
Once again to destroy
To break
To shatter
To crush what once was strong
Poisoning what once was pure
Doubting what once was as sure as the sun.
Ruining life
With the unimaginable sting of death,
The death of dreams.

Mine

There are secret places inside me

Where I go to scream

Where I go to cut out all of the pain

everything unseen

To drain the tears, the blood, the screams

It's crowded in my secret room

With voices, eyes, and teeth

All at once they yell

Voices swirling around around my head

So much anger, so much pain, so much heat 

Secret places inside of me

Where I beg you to give her back to me 

a birthday poem for my sweetheart

I love you because you're very smart.

I love you because you're creative,

and you really dig my art.

I love you because your pillow has a name,

I love you because you're passionate,

and with baseball, it's never just a game.

I love you because you eat Oreos with a fork.

I love how you talk in your sleep,

and how just like me, you're kind of a dork.

I love you because I sleep better when we touch.

I love you because you teach me stuff,

and because sometimes you talk too much.

I love you because you take my sass.

I love you because you make me giggle,

and because you have the sweetest ass.

I love you because you're kind.

I love you because you're silly,

and you can always read my mind.

I love you because you're an ipod nazi.

I love you because you're my best friend,

and you don't like Phase 10 or Yahtzee.

I love you because you fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

I love you because you never yell,

and you protect me from evil cats.

I love you because you always know just what to say.

I love you because you're spontaneous,

and how on the road sometimes you have rage.

I love you because you hold me so well in your arms.

I love your sparkling, pretty blue eyes,

and how all the girls fall for your irresistible charms.

I love you because you have the greatest smile.

I love you because you inspire me

to walk just one more mile.

I love you because you're seldom stinky.

I love you because you watch chick flicks

and you don't mind getting a little kinky.

I love you because when you smile your eyes twinkle.

I love you because you're so much fun,

and you can always make my nose crinkle.

I love you because you make me laugh till I cry.

I love you because you stay up till all hours with me,

and double dare each other till you could just die!

I love you because you're so selfless.

I love you because I've gotten so used to being taken care of,

that I'm now rendered helpless.

I love you because you're spiritual.

I love you because you encourage me to be better,

even when I'm premenstrual.

I love you because your heart is the only place I wanna be,

for better, for worse, for now, for always,

You're my better half and the only one for me.

on the withered sofa

It is dusk
and the stars
are just beginning
to shine.
On the withered sofa,
we lay entwined-
fingers and legs
all tangled and safe.
Eyelids droop
As your hands find their way
through my hair.
It is then that I realize
I've been waiting for this moment
All of my life.

sewn

Always
Entangle my legs
within yours
thread my fingers
through your own
and know my heart
is sewn to yours
always.

lay still beside me

Lay still beside me;
I'll feel your breath
On the back of my shoulder
and that
will be enough for me,
forever.