Single Motherhood

is you, with cold hands

me, eating only 
off-brand chex 
for a week
to buy you, 
the coziest,heaviest,thickest 
mittens
I, can find
It's me
Sewing them together
with leftover string I found
just incase
and  a 20 min lecture
It is you, you, you,
ripping them off of said
s   t    r i    n   g 
and losing them
the very
first
day
It is me
yelling at you, but not you,
because i'm fucking 
hungry
for something besides
lost mittens
and off brand chex 

scratch

once i painted a rainbow 

just to cover it in 

thick. black. wax.

so that

our daughter 

could scratch it off

to make pictures 

with glimpses of the rainbow underneath 

i tried not to but

i thought of you

my rainbow 

who covered all his colors 

thick. black. dark.

i couldn’t even scratch 

the layers so deep

and my fingers 

desperate and frantic 

bloody and broken 

bones shattering 

beneath your words

now, i, too

add layers over your rainbows

that only exist in my mind now

memories that assault me 

in the quiet moments of the night

or when our daughter dances on stage

so i paint them 

with wax so thick

and dark

and deep

and full of hate

that my sharp, pointed, splintered shining claws

can never reach underneath 

because if i don’t hate you

what then? 

In the Chair

peace, rest, resolve
all things the world can't solve
but I find in the rocking chair

as I sing and stroke your hair

your tiny fingers around my wrist

I'm going to miss this

why must it end?

didn't it just begin?

let's rewind the clock

the ticking, it never stops

your warm breath against my arm

your soft blanket keeping us warm

your tender little snore

just how many nights 

have we done this before?

the squeak of the chair

your damp curly hair

cuddles with bear

can't we stay here?

love isn't fair

blood on your hands

Love is watching someone die.

Is love blood on your hands, too?

I have to kill everything now.

Music, movies, pictures, restaurants, movies

I must kill the largest part of myself

And soon.

It must die

It must be done

So that I never see it,

So that you can never reach it

So that she can’t ever hear it cry.

So that i won’t ever change my mind

Hands and lips and tears and laughter

All of it pulled from the black recesses

Of where my heart was

Before it died and was destroyed,

All of it must be plucked

And pulverized

And then set on fire

Teach me how.

death of dreams

I am hurting deep inside.
A wound, festering.
It's swelling, hot with angry infection
And threatening to ooze it's poison
Once again to destroy
To break
To shatter
To crush what once was strong
Poisoning what once was pure
Doubting what once was as sure as the sun.
Ruining life
With the unimaginable sting of death,
The death of dreams.

Mine

There are secret places inside me

Where I go to scream

Where I go to cut out all of the pain

everything unseen

To drain the tears, the blood, the screams

It's crowded in my secret room

With voices, eyes, and teeth

All at once they yell

Voices swirling around around my head

So much anger, so much pain, so much heat 

Secret places inside of me

Where I beg you to give her back to me 

darkness falls

Darkness falls and panic creeps in.
Where will the blackness take me tonight
and can I ever win?

The lamp fills the room with a promising light,
but in my mind I am screaming
suffocating in a black blacker than night.

The temptation is so unbearably strong,
to end this daunting life,
to find rest and relief after fighting so long.

I have no more in me, no fight to hold on
I am growing smaller and weaker
and on the horizon there is no dawn

If I surrender to it's enticing call
Where would it take me?
Heaven or hell
or nowhere at all?

Worth it

It wasn't fair what you did to me  that fateful day
Claiming love just weeks before my wedding day
Begging me to be with you
Cause in your heart you finally knew
I was worth it.
All that time you never said a word
All that time you knew that I was yours
Eight years of hurtful games
Yeah, I still remember all of their stupid names
They were worth it
I still remember how you smelled
Your bony shoulder resting place for my ponytail.
How it changed and stung my nose
I swam with you to your lowest lows
I thought if I gave you love
You'd give up your stupid drugs
If I would've been worth it
Now your words still haunt me
Did you ever really even want me?
What would you have done if I'd gotten on that plane?
Somehow my heart knows things would still be the same.
I'd never be worth it.
You held me in the palm of your hand
Just like Tinkerbell and Peter Pan
Never thought I'd learn to fly
Never thought I'd be strong enough for goodbye
Thought I'd always be around
Thought you could stand me up when I came to town
Thought that someday I'd be yours
Never thought about slamming doors.
I just wanted to be worth it.
I was yours all that time
Right up till I learned to fly
But you were never mine...
No, you were never mine.
And he'll tell you I'm worth it.

more

I will rock you to sleep until you're two
I'll keep singing long after you can hear me anymore
but I will hear you.

I'll throw you lavish birthday parties and make too big of a deal.
It will start when you'll be too young to remember,
but I always will.

I'll spend too much money on Christmas and lost teeth.
And you may not remember what I get you each year,
but I'll remember every single thing.

I'll take a ridiculous amount of pictures and never throw anything away.
And other's will think my hoarding is crazy,
but I'll look at them with wonder someday.

I'll be paranoid and overprotective, examining every single sore.
I'll kiss you three times instead of one.
because I wanted you more.

before your hands turned cold

You died on a Sunday,
in the song of the rain.
The pavement was shiny,
my rushing in vain.

You left before I arrived.
And I felt myself fold
I wanted to see you
before your hands turned cold.

Your skin looked hard,
like green-yellow plastic.
Your tiny body was disturbing,
in a hospital bed so drastic.

A tear dripped down my cheek 
as yours received my kiss, so controlled.
I didn't want to lose composure
before your hands turned cold.

Your head was so big;
your brain ever-growing,
and your limbs so small,
atop a tiny trunk eroding.

Atrophy couldn't get past that iron-clad safe,
The one in your mind where it could never take hold.
Your brain was a fortress,
before your hands turned cold.

The machines were silent with respect,
and your eyes didn't flutter like before.
The blankets didn't rhythmically move
And I'd thought I'd wanted to say no more.

I thought I'd said everything I wanted to say.
I thought no more thoughts could be told.
But I wanted to warm your heart
before your hands turned cold.

For Uncle Guy.  January 26, 1965-April 17, 2011

a birthday poem for my sweetheart

I love you because you're very smart.

I love you because you're creative,

and you really dig my art.

I love you because your pillow has a name,

I love you because you're passionate,

and with baseball, it's never just a game.

I love you because you eat Oreos with a fork.

I love how you talk in your sleep,

and how just like me, you're kind of a dork.

I love you because I sleep better when we touch.

I love you because you teach me stuff,

and because sometimes you talk too much.

I love you because you take my sass.

I love you because you make me giggle,

and because you have the sweetest ass.

I love you because you're kind.

I love you because you're silly,

and you can always read my mind.

I love you because you're an ipod nazi.

I love you because you're my best friend,

and you don't like Phase 10 or Yahtzee.

I love you because you fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

I love you because you never yell,

and you protect me from evil cats.

I love you because you always know just what to say.

I love you because you're spontaneous,

and how on the road sometimes you have rage.

I love you because you hold me so well in your arms.

I love your sparkling, pretty blue eyes,

and how all the girls fall for your irresistible charms.

I love you because you have the greatest smile.

I love you because you inspire me

to walk just one more mile.

I love you because you're seldom stinky.

I love you because you watch chick flicks

and you don't mind getting a little kinky.

I love you because when you smile your eyes twinkle.

I love you because you're so much fun,

and you can always make my nose crinkle.

I love you because you make me laugh till I cry.

I love you because you stay up till all hours with me,

and double dare each other till you could just die!

I love you because you're so selfless.

I love you because I've gotten so used to being taken care of,

that I'm now rendered helpless.

I love you because you're spiritual.

I love you because you encourage me to be better,

even when I'm premenstrual.

I love you because your heart is the only place I wanna be,

for better, for worse, for now, for always,

You're my better half and the only one for me.

puzzle

sometimes
i still miss the way
we fit together.
you-- two heads taller
than me.
my arm around your waist,
yours around my shoulders...
no space between us
as we'd walk.
(holding hands
put too much space
between us
to bear.)
or
my head in your chest
-- a perfect indentation for my crown.
and my body molding itself
into my nook in your arms.
parts perfectly matching
like puzzle pieces
glazed with the industrial-strength glue
of a first love.

behind the eyes

You used to call me your Angel,
And sometimes I wonder if my wings
blow our fairy dust dreams
Back to your eyes. Tell me, what do they see?
What do they feel? Is it impossible for you to see
What I can, behind your eyes? Beautiful.
My eyes can see my soul searching, feeling for your hand
because it needs you. Yes, its search is futile, but, oh. . .
How Beautiful is it that You can wrap me in your golden arms
And melt all the pain and fear. . .Forever into your
Cloudless heaven?!
How I crave your angelic relief.
I can still feel you . . . .
Even as the sands of time drip from our ever after glass.
(I can still feel you.)
Tell me, how many grains amount to your love now?
And do you ever wonder why the tear-soaked sea
Still reaches for those sands?
I've painted those tears; one for each year that I can't stop loving you.
But tears are useless, no magical powers,
Like the stars I wish upon that fall from your eyes.
One wish; it’s always the same. Can you hear it in the wind’s whisper?
I wish you'd let me save you. . .please, let me save you!
I can slay those dragons that destroy your golden heart
Let me touch your soul, like you did mine and give back to you
Everything so magical!
If only you'd let me save you!
If only you'd let me show you
What is behind your eyes
I could show you
"Beautiful."

Alpha and Omega

The Beginning and the End.
The Light of the World.
Most Holy and Perfect One.
The Prince of Peace.
You are so much greater than I,
And for my sins you chose to die.
How is it, you love me so?
Will you comfort me? I'd like to know.
Do you hear my prayers?
Will you calm my fears, and do you know my cares?
Tell me, I want to know.
Little One, I love you so;
This I want you to know.
I paid the debt to see you again,
And paved the way for all God's children.
I hear your prayers, I'll calm your fears.
I understand your hurt, and wipe away the tears.
I have felt your every pain,
After all, it was I who was slain.
I know exactly what you're going through,
I will always comfort you.

first kiss

Angel kisses, for the first time.
I could laugh, I could cry!
So afraid to put my trust in you,
But so happy to not be able to resist!
I'm laughing at my own helplessness
As I drown in the joy of your kiss' taste,
Just the way you make my heart race!
As I surrender to your divine passion,
I drown and gasp for your touch,
As your lips capture mine.
Then I take flight as your soul caresses me
And you wrap me in your wings,
Pulling me closer still.
And as I entwine myself in you,
I'm drowning and flying still
In the power of your soul.
Slowly, softly you subside,
Softly covering me with your Angel kisses.
Then you wrap me up in your arms,
Holding me tight you whisper "I love you"
And I think my heart will burst,
Sending an explosion of my love for you
Into the sweet early morning air.

anxiety attack

It hurts, the pain beyond you
And the pain because I need you.
Desperately Suffocating
From my own choking, deathly silent screams,
Twisted sheets threaten to strangle me.
And while I'm so consumingly terrified
Of something I can't quite decipher
Part of me pleads with their twisted, crisp, white arms
To take the pain away.
There in the darkness,
I cling despondently to your absence
For a moment I can breathe
And relief whimpers as you hold me and tell me
That its okay, you're there now.
I believe you, always, like always I believe you.
I gasp for hope, sucking it in like air to breathe.
Then realization twists the dagger
As consciousness betrays that it is only
A hopeless attempt to fight the pain
And that I am alone.
I want to cry, to drown myself in the tears;
But not even a sob can escape.

bandaid

When we were young we would
Wear our bandaids so pridefully!
Because we had endured some kind of pain.
Now, we wear the scars on our wrists
Shamefully.
Because we have endured such pain.
Big news travels fast in small places
Such as peoples hearts.
In five seconds flat,
Our secret of suffering is out.
And malicious, viscous taunts stab at us
Like the razor blade did, only deeper.
Even though we've healed and we are
Stronger, and more real
Than those superficial Barbie Dolls
Will ever be, they have a power.
Their words get under our skin
And eat at our hearts.

bff

Sometimes when you're wandering along this lonely road,
You need someone's hand to hold.
Someone to catch you when you fall,
Wipe away your tears and help you stand tall.
Someone to help make reality more like a dream,
Someone who's just like you, or so it seems.
Thats why I thank God that I've got you.
You're the one who helps me through.
You'll always be my best friend.
I'll be here for you, until the end.
You're broken hearts, I'll try to mend.
When you can't smile, mine I'll lend.
I'll help you up, whenever you fall,
I'll stand up for you, and help you stand tall.
Whenever you need me,
By your side is where I will be.
I'll be your shelter from the rain,
I'll help you find a smile again.
I can't say I know just what you're going through,
All I can say is that I love you.
And I understand one thing eternally,
That's how much you mean to me.
My arms are always open to you,
I'll always try to help you through.
I'll be here whenever you need me,
My best friend, you'll always be.

beautiful

Tired eyes,
From loving you.
Cheeks not shiny,
From your gentle touch.
Hair not flat,
From your entwining fingers.
But you still think
That I'm Beautiful.

butterfly

They say the struggles of the caterpillar
Give the butterfly strength to soar.
You'll soar higher than all the rest some day.
But, in my mind you already do.
A beautiful butterfly,
Soaring so far above the rest.
Giving me hope and strength,
A shoulder to cry on, a loving embrace,
When my world came crashing down.
If only I had your strength, your courage, your smile.
You're my hero as well as my best friend.
Remember that always.
You've saved me more than once, I want you to know.
I just wish I could've saved you.
But, to make up for past regret,
I'll always be here for you,
To give you a loving embrace, a shoulder to cry on.
I'll try and help you rebuild your world.
And someday, we'll soar together.
Two beautiful butterflies.