Single Motherhood

is you, with cold hands

me, eating only 
off-brand chex 
for a week
to buy you, 
the coziest,heaviest,thickest 
mittens
I, can find
It's me
Sewing them together
with leftover string I found
just incase
and  a 20 min lecture
It is you, you, you,
ripping them off of said
s   t    r i    n   g 
and losing them
the very
first
day
It is me
yelling at you, but not you,
because i'm fucking 
hungry
for something besides
lost mittens
and off brand chex 

scratch

once i painted a rainbow 

just to cover it in 

thick. black. wax.

so that

our daughter 

could scratch it off

to make pictures 

with glimpses of the rainbow underneath 

i tried not to but

i thought of you

my rainbow 

who covered all his colors 

thick. black. dark.

i couldn’t even scratch 

the layers so deep

and my fingers 

desperate and frantic 

bloody and broken 

bones shattering 

beneath your words

now, i, too

add layers over your rainbows

that only exist in my mind now

memories that assault me 

in the quiet moments of the night

or when our daughter dances on stage

so i paint them 

with wax so thick

and dark

and deep

and full of hate

that my sharp, pointed, splintered shining claws

can never reach underneath 

because if i don’t hate you

what then? 

In the Chair

peace, rest, resolve
all things the world can't solve
but I find in the rocking chair

as I sing and stroke your hair

your tiny fingers around my wrist

I'm going to miss this

why must it end?

didn't it just begin?

let's rewind the clock

the ticking, it never stops

your warm breath against my arm

your soft blanket keeping us warm

your tender little snore

just how many nights 

have we done this before?

the squeak of the chair

your damp curly hair

cuddles with bear

can't we stay here?

love isn't fair

blood on your hands

Love is watching someone die.

Is love blood on your hands, too?

I have to kill everything now.

Music, movies, pictures, restaurants, movies

I must kill the largest part of myself

And soon.

It must die

It must be done

So that I never see it,

So that you can never reach it

So that she can’t ever hear it cry.

So that i won’t ever change my mind

Hands and lips and tears and laughter

All of it pulled from the black recesses

Of where my heart was

Before it died and was destroyed,

All of it must be plucked

And pulverized

And then set on fire

Teach me how.

death of dreams

I am hurting deep inside.
A wound, festering.
It's swelling, hot with angry infection
And threatening to ooze it's poison
Once again to destroy
To break
To shatter
To crush what once was strong
Poisoning what once was pure
Doubting what once was as sure as the sun.
Ruining life
With the unimaginable sting of death,
The death of dreams.

Mine

There are secret places inside me

Where I go to scream

Where I go to cut out all of the pain

everything unseen

To drain the tears, the blood, the screams

It's crowded in my secret room

With voices, eyes, and teeth

All at once they yell

Voices swirling around around my head

So much anger, so much pain, so much heat 

Secret places inside of me

Where I beg you to give her back to me 

darkness falls

Darkness falls and panic creeps in.
Where will the blackness take me tonight
and can I ever win?

The lamp fills the room with a promising light,
but in my mind I am screaming
suffocating in a black blacker than night.

The temptation is so unbearably strong,
to end this daunting life,
to find rest and relief after fighting so long.

I have no more in me, no fight to hold on
I am growing smaller and weaker
and on the horizon there is no dawn

If I surrender to it's enticing call
Where would it take me?
Heaven or hell
or nowhere at all?