There are secret places inside me
Where I go to scream
Where I go to cut out all of the pain
everything unseen
To drain the tears, the blood, the screams
It's crowded in my secret room
With voices, eyes, and teeth
All at once they yell
Voices swirling around around my head
So much anger, so much pain, so much heat 
Secret places inside of me
Where I beg you to give her back to me 

darkness falls

Darkness falls and panic creeps in.
Where will the blackness take me tonight
and can I ever win?

The lamp fills the room with a promising light,
but in my mind I am screaming
suffocating in a black blacker than night.

The temptation is so unbearably strong,
to end this daunting life,
to find rest and relief after fighting so long.

I have no more in me, no fight to hold on
I am growing smaller and weaker
and on the horizon there is no dawn

If I surrender to it's enticing call
Where would it take me?
Heaven or hell
or nowhere at all?

Worth it

It wasn't fair what you did to me  that fateful day
Claiming love just weeks before my wedding day
Begging me to be with you
Cause in your heart you finally knew
I was worth it.
All that time you never said a word
All that time you knew that I was yours
Eight years of hurtful games
Yeah, I still remember all of their stupid names
They were worth it
I still remember how you smelled
Your bony shoulder resting place for my ponytail.
How it changed and stung my nose
I swam with you to your lowest lows
I thought if I gave you love
You'd give up your stupid drugs
If I would've been worth it
Now your words still haunt me
Did you ever really even want me?
What would you have done if I'd gotten on that plane?
Somehow my heart knows things would still be the same.
I'd never be worth it.
You held me in the palm of your hand
Just like Tinkerbell and Peter Pan
Never thought I'd learn to fly
Never thought I'd be strong enough for goodbye
Thought I'd always be around
Thought you could stand me up when I came to town
Thought that someday I'd be yours
Never thought about slamming doors.
I just wanted to be worth it.
I was yours all that time
Right up till I learned to fly
But you were never mine...
No, you were never mine.
And he'll tell you I'm worth it.


I will rock you to sleep until you're two
I'll keep singing long after you can hear me anymore
but I will hear you.

I'll throw you lavish birthday parties and make too big of a deal.
It will start when you'll be too young to remember,
but I always will.

I'll spend too much money on Christmas and lost teeth.
And you may not remember what I get you each year,
but I'll remember every single thing.

I'll take a ridiculous amount of pictures and never throw anything away.
And other's will think my hoarding is crazy,
but I'll look at them with wonder someday.

I'll be paranoid and overprotective, examining every single sore.
I'll kiss you three times instead of one.
because I wanted you more.

before your hands turned cold

You died on a Sunday,
in the song of the rain.
The pavement was shiny,
my rushing in vain.

You left before I arrived.
And I felt myself fold
I wanted to see you
before your hands turned cold.

Your skin looked hard,
like green-yellow plastic.
Your tiny body was disturbing,
in a hospital bed so drastic.

A tear dripped down my cheek 
as yours received my kiss, so controlled.
I didn't want to lose composure
before your hands turned cold.

Your head was so big;
your brain ever-growing,
and your limbs so small,
atop a tiny trunk eroding.

Atrophy couldn't get past that iron-clad safe,
The one in your mind where it could never take hold.
Your brain was a fortress,
before your hands turned cold.

The machines were silent with respect,
and your eyes didn't flutter like before.
The blankets didn't rhythmically move
And I'd thought I'd wanted to say no more.

I thought I'd said everything I wanted to say.
I thought no more thoughts could be told.
But I wanted to warm your heart
before your hands turned cold.

For Uncle Guy.  January 26, 1965-April 17, 2011

a birthday poem for my sweetheart

I love you because you're very smart.
I love you because you're creative,
and you really dig my art.

I love you because your pillow has a name,
I love you because you're passionate,
and with baseball, it's never just a game.

I love you because you eat Oreos with a fork.
I love how you talk in your sleep,
and how just like me, you're kind of a dork.

I love you because I sleep better when we touch.
I love you because you teach me stuff,
and because sometimes you talk too much.

I love you because you take my sass.
I love you because you make me giggle,
and because you have the sweetest ass.

I love you because you're kind.
I love you because you're silly,
and you can always read my mind.

I love you because you're an ipod nazi.
I love you because you're my best friend,
and you don't like Phase 10 or Yahtzee.

I love you because you fall asleep at the drop of a hat.
I love you because you never yell,
and you protect me from evil cats.

I love you because you always know just what to say.
I love you because you're spontaneous,
and how on the road sometimes you have rage.

I love you because you hold me so well in your arms.
I love your sparkling, pretty blue eyes,
and how all the girls fall for your irresistible charms.

I love you because you have the greatest smile.
I love you because you inspire me
to walk just one more mile.

I love you because you're seldom stinky.
I love you because you watch chick flicks
and you don't mind getting a little kinky.

I love you because when you smile your eyes twinkle.
I love you because you're so much fun,
and you can always make my nose crinkle.

I love you because you make me laugh till I cry.
I love you because you stay up till all hours with me,
and double dare each other till you could just die!

I love you because you're so selfless.
I love you because I've gotten so used to being taken care of,
that I'm now rendered helpless.

I love you because you're spiritual.
I love you because you encourage me to be better,
even when I'm premenstrual.

I love you because your heart is the only place I wanna be,
for better, for worse, for now, for always,
You're my better half and the only one for me.


i still miss the way
we fit together.
you-- two heads taller
than me.
my arm around your waist,
yours around my shoulders...
no space between us
as we'd walk.
(holding hands
put too much space
between us
to bear.)
my head in your chest
-- a perfect indentation for my crown.
and my body molding itself
into my nook in your arms.
parts perfectly matching
like puzzle pieces
glazed with the industrial-strength glue
of a first love.