silenced muses

2011-12-14T21:17:00.001-08:00

I will rock you to sleep until you're two
I'll keep singing long after you can hear me anymore
but I will hear you.

I'll throw you lavish birthday parties and make too big of a deal.
It will start when you'll be too young to remember,
but I always will.

I'll spend too much money on Christmas and lost teeth.
And you may not remember what I get you each year,
but I'll remember every single thing.

I'll take a ridiculous amount of pictures and never throw anything away.
And other's will think my hoarding is crazy,
but I'll look at them with wonder someday.

I'll be paranoid and overprotective, examining every single sore.
I'll kiss you three times instead of one.
because I wanted you more.

before your hands turned cold

2011-04-19T01:00:00.001-07:00

You died on a Sunday,
in the song of the rain.
The pavement was shiny,
my rushing in vain.

You left before I arrived.
And I felt myself fold
I wanted to see you
before your hands turned cold.

Your skin looked hard,
like green-yellow plastic.
Your tiny body was disturbing,
in a hospital bed so drastic.

A tear dripped down my cheek
as yours received my kiss, so controlled.
I didn't want to lose composure
before your hands turned cold.

Your head was so big;
your brain ever-growing,
and your limbs so small,
atop a tiny trunk eroding.

Atrophy couldn't get past that iron-clad safe,
The one in your mind where it could never take hold.
Your brain was a fortress,
before your hands turned cold.

The machines were silent with respect,
and your eyes didn't flutter like before.
The blankets didn't rhythmically move
And I'd thought I'd wanted to say no more.

I thought I'd said everything I wanted to say.
I thought no more thoughts could be told.
But I wanted to warm your heart
before your hands turned cold.

For Uncle Guy. January 26, 1965-April 17, 2011

a birthday poem for my sweetheart

2010-06-06T20:19:00.001-07:00

I love you because you're very smart.

I love you because you're creative,

and you really dig my art.

I love you because your pillow has a name,

I love you because you're passionate,

and with baseball, it's never just a game.

I love you because you eat Oreos with a fork.

I love how you talk in your sleep,

and how just like me, you're kind of a dork.

I love you because I sleep better when we touch.

I love you because you teach me stuff,

and because sometimes you talk too much.

I love you because you take my sass.

I love you because you make me giggle,

and because you have the sweetest ass.

I love you because you're kind.

I love you because you're silly,

and you can always read my mind.

I love you because you're an ipod nazi.

I love you because you're my best friend,

and you don't like Phase 10 or Yahtzee.

I love you because you fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

I love you because you never yell,

and you protect me from evil cats.

I love you because you always know just what to say.

I love you because you're spontaneous,

and how on the road sometimes you have rage.

I love you because you hold me so well in your arms.

I love your sparkling, pretty blue eyes,

and how all the girls fall for your irresistible charms.

I love you because you have the greatest smile.

I love you because you inspire me

to walk just one more mile.

I love you because you're seldom stinky.

I love you because you watch chick flicks

and you don't mind getting a little kinky.

I love you because when you smile your eyes twinkle.

I love you because you're so much fun,

and you can always make my nose crinkle.

I love you because you make me laugh till I cry.

I love you because you stay up till all hours with me,

and double dare each other till you could just die!

I love you because you're so selfless.

I love you because I've gotten so used to being taken care of,

that I'm now rendered helpless.

I love you because you're spiritual.

I love you because you encourage me to be better,

even when I'm premenstrual.

I love you because your heart is the only place I wanna be,

for better, for worse, for now, for always,

You're my better half and the only one for me.

puzzle

2009-09-01T17:00:00.000-07:00

sometimes
i still miss the way
we fit together.
you-- two heads taller
than me.
my arm around your waist,
yours around my shoulders...
no space between us
as we'd walk.
(holding hands
put too much space
between us
to bear.)
or
my head in your chest
-- a perfect indentation for my crown.
and my body molding itself
into my nook in your arms.
parts perfectly matching
like puzzle pieces
glazed with the industrial-strength glue
of a first love.

behind the eyes

2008-08-14T00:12:00.000-07:00

You used to call me your Angel,
And sometimes I wonder if my wings
blow our fairy dust dreams
Back to your eyes. Tell me, what do they see?
What do they feel? Is it impossible for you to see
What I can, behind your eyes? Beautiful.
My eyes can see my soul searching, feeling for your hand
because it needs you. Yes, its search is futile, but, oh. . .
How Beautiful is it that You can wrap me in your golden arms
And melt all the pain and fear. . .Forever into your
Cloudless heaven?!
How I crave your angelic relief.
I can still feel you . . . .
Even as the sands of time drip from our ever after glass.
(I can still feel you.)
Tell me, how many grains amount to your love now?
And do you ever wonder why the tear-soaked sea
Still reaches for those sands?
I've painted those tears; one for each year that I can't stop loving you.
But tears are useless, no magical powers,
Like the stars I wish upon that fall from your eyes.
One wish; it’s always the same. Can you hear it in the wind’s whisper?
I wish you'd let me save you. . .please, let me save you!
I can slay those dragons that destroy your golden heart
Let me touch your soul, like you did mine and give back to you
Everything so magical!
If only you'd let me save you!
If only you'd let me show you
What is behind your eyes
I could show you
"Beautiful."

Alpha and Omega

2008-08-14T00:11:00.002-07:00

The Beginning and the End.
The Light of the World.
Most Holy and Perfect One.
The Prince of Peace.
You are so much greater than I,
And for my sins you chose to die.
How is it, you love me so?
Will you comfort me? I'd like to know.
Do you hear my prayers?
Will you calm my fears, and do you know my cares?
Tell me, I want to know.
Little One, I love you so;
This I want you to know.
I paid the debt to see you again,
And paved the way for all God's children.
I hear your prayers, I'll calm your fears.
I understand your hurt, and wipe away the tears.
I have felt your every pain,
After all, it was I who was slain.
I know exactly what you're going through,
I will always comfort you.

first kiss

2008-08-14T00:11:00.001-07:00

Angel kisses, for the first time.
I could laugh, I could cry!
So afraid to put my trust in you,
But so happy to not be able to resist!
I'm laughing at my own helplessness
As I drown in the joy of your kiss' taste,
Just the way you make my heart race!
As I surrender to your divine passion,
I drown and gasp for your touch,
As your lips capture mine.
Then I take flight as your soul caresses me
And you wrap me in your wings,
Pulling me closer still.
And as I entwine myself in you,
I'm drowning and flying still
In the power of your soul.
Slowly, softly you subside,
Softly covering me with your Angel kisses.
Then you wrap me up in your arms,
Holding me tight you whisper "I love you"
And I think my heart will burst,
Sending an explosion of my love for you
Into the sweet early morning air.

anxiety attack

2008-08-14T00:10:00.000-07:00

It hurts, the pain beyond you
And the pain because I need you.
Desperately Suffocating
From my own choking, deathly silent screams,
Twisted sheets threaten to strangle me.
And while I'm so consumingly terrified
Of something I can't quite decipher
Part of me pleads with their twisted, crisp, white arms
To take the pain away.
There in the darkness,
I cling despondently to your absence
For a moment I can breathe
And relief whimpers as you hold me and tell me
That its okay, you're there now.
I believe you, always, like always I believe you.
I gasp for hope, sucking it in like air to breathe.
Then realization twists the dagger
As consciousness betrays that it is only
A hopeless attempt to fight the pain
And that I am alone.
I want to cry, to drown myself in the tears;
But not even a sob can escape.

bandaid

2008-08-14T00:09:00.000-07:00

When we were young we would
Wear our bandaids so pridefully!
Because we had endured some kind of pain.
Now, we wear the scars on our wrists
Shamefully.
Because we have endured such pain.
Big news travels fast in small places
Such as peoples hearts.
In five seconds flat,
Our secret of suffering is out.
And malicious, viscous taunts stab at us
Like the razor blade did, only deeper.
Even though we've healed and we are
Stronger, and more real
Than those superficial Barbie Dolls
Will ever be, they have a power.
Their words get under our skin
And eat at our hearts.

bff

2008-08-14T00:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when you're wandering along this lonely road,
You need someone's hand to hold.
Someone to catch you when you fall,
Wipe away your tears and help you stand tall.
Someone to help make reality more like a dream,
Someone who's just like you, or so it seems.
Thats why I thank God that I've got you.
You're the one who helps me through.
You'll always be my best friend.
I'll be here for you, until the end.
You're broken hearts, I'll try to mend.
When you can't smile, mine I'll lend.
I'll help you up, whenever you fall,
I'll stand up for you, and help you stand tall.
Whenever you need me,
By your side is where I will be.
I'll be your shelter from the rain,
I'll help you find a smile again.
I can't say I know just what you're going through,
All I can say is that I love you.
And I understand one thing eternally,
That's how much you mean to me.
My arms are always open to you,
I'll always try to help you through.
I'll be here whenever you need me,
My best friend, you'll always be.

beautiful

2008-08-14T00:07:00.000-07:00

Tired eyes,
From loving you.
Cheeks not shiny,
From your gentle touch.
Hair not flat,
From your entwining fingers.
But you still think
That I'm Beautiful.

butterfly

2008-08-14T00:06:00.000-07:00

They say the struggles of the caterpillar
Give the butterfly strength to soar.
You'll soar higher than all the rest some day.
But, in my mind you already do.
A beautiful butterfly,
Soaring so far above the rest.
Giving me hope and strength,
A shoulder to cry on, a loving embrace,
When my world came crashing down.
If only I had your strength, your courage, your smile.
You're my hero as well as my best friend.
Remember that always.
You've saved me more than once, I want you to know.
I just wish I could've saved you.
But, to make up for past regret,
I'll always be here for you,
To give you a loving embrace, a shoulder to cry on.
I'll try and help you rebuild your world.
And someday, we'll soar together.
Two beautiful butterflies.

cinderella slippers

2008-08-14T00:05:00.000-07:00

I'm a dreamer I confess, Prince Charming.
I have a pair of Cinderella slippers
Where my dreams take flight.
I lost them on the cliff that was you
When I jumped beyond myself.
Yesterday is missing tomorrow,
Almost as much as I miss you.
Broken heart pieces all over the floor
Prove once more that
Angels fall, without your Grace.
My heart may be battered but
My glass slippers are still intact
Maybe I should wear them with
My Angel wings
And dream to the stars,
Like the ones in your eyes.

cocoon

2008-08-14T00:04:00.000-07:00

They say the struggles of the butterfly
Give it strength to make it soar.
And in the end, after the butterfly is almost willing
To give up and die.
The cocoon breaks.
And the butterfly emerges,
Beautiful and strong,
Spreading its wings to soar into the sky.
I wanted to thank you,
For reminding me that I too will have wings,
Beautiful and strong.
For not letting me give up,
And making sure my soul doesn't die.
For listening to me when nobody else would,
And when my heart would cry.
And I wanted you to know,
I hope you feel my wings
Brush against your cheek
When I spread my wings,
And fly.

don't cry

2008-08-14T00:03:00.002-07:00

Don't cry.
You say.
Don't cry.
I want to cry.
I want to cry,
I want you to hold me
And tell me I can.
But all you say is
Don't cry.
Finally, I tell you to hold me.
But, as I lay in your rigid arms,
And you smother me with unwanted kisses,
Kisses that don't mean I love you, but mean
I want you.
And nothing else.
I hear you say
Don't cry.
And I think of someone else,
Who would whisper,
And make my tears go away,
Even though he couldn't hold me,
I didn't have to tell him I wanted him to,
And I knew his arms weren't like yours.
And his kisses meant I love you.
And he would whisper
Its okay to cry. . .
Its okay to cry. . .
And I didn't cry anymore.

don't

2008-08-14T00:03:00.001-07:00

I confessed my dreams to him
He promised he'd make them all come true
I confessed my fear of getting hurt to him
He promised he would never hurt me
I thrived upon those promises
And in one single minute,
They were shattered on the floor

Don't make promises you cannot keep
Don't hold me so close
Don't wipe away my tears
Don't you dare say you love me
It hurts too much

Don't kiss me so tenderly
Don't make me so happy
Don't say such sweet things
Don't you dare say you love me
It hurts too much

Don't let me trust you
Don't be so incredibly perfect
Don't whisper sweet nothings in my ear
Don't you dare say you love me
It hurts too much

Don't make me feel beautiful
Don't melt me with your smile
Don't be so understanding
Don't you dare say you love me
It hurts too much

Don't make me fall in love with you
It hurts too much
Don't you dare say you love me
It hurts too much

forever

2008-08-14T00:02:00.000-07:00

The jealous June sun set behind the mountains,
Painting the brilliance of our love across the sky.
Your soul took my hand,
And my fingers intertwined with our destinies.
You kissed my heart with an endless, drowning passion.
And you held my soul when it cried.
That moment I fell in love. . .forever

paul at lagoon

2008-08-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

My sweet tears fall like rain
and remind me. . .
You smiled so sweetly.
You lured me in so cunningly,
Knowing my conscience could not compete with you.
Words I longed to hear blew in the wind around you.
Your sun warmed my cold body.
Someone else's Angel fell from Grace that day.
Yet, you made me forget the fall.
And the loss of my sweet innocence,
such a pleasurable thrill.
Seeming like a dream,
I saw blood on the tips of your wings.
You kissed me goodbye,
ever so tenderly.
And bid me goodbye,
Never to see me again.

fireworks

2008-08-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

Fireworks
Like brilliant stars,
Exploding
In one, last, great burst.
Then
They die.
How sad.

hopeful toes ii

2008-08-13T23:59:00.000-07:00

When I feel the music
Sometimes it makes me want to cry.
I can feel the pain, the love, the tears. . .the utter joy!
Deep inside my soul.
My toes kiss the ground through satin slippers
And my heart develops wings.
Only reality holds me inside of these oh-so-confining walls!
Spinning and leaping rhythmically,
I paint the hopes and dreams,
Of these familiar notes
Across the canvas of your eyes.
Two, three, four. . .
Satin pounds against the hardwood floor.
Unconsciously I dance as I feel,
For routine reminds me too much,
Of reality.
Closing my eyes I am unaware
Of anything but the rhythm and grace,
Seeping out of my soul.
Delicate hands and powerful arms
Propel me as my heart sings
And I savor the feel of the ground,
Beneath my blistered toes.
Suddenly the music stops,
And I unknowingly subside.
I breathe furiously and collapse on the ground,
My heart laughing for joy.
Throbbing toes, forced so long against that
Sustaining block of wood in those satin shoes
Had hardly noticed!
They thought they were dancing in the clouds. . .
Hmm. . .
So did I.

God sent me two

2008-08-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

God Sends us Angels to help us through,
When the tears fall like rain and our smiles turn blue.
A long time ago before I was born,
I met two Angels and our love and friendship was sworn.
On a road of trials we walked, we touched and we felt, we smiled and we cried.
We hurt and we laughed, we screamed and shouted for joy into the skies.
We learned that sunshine can burn and roses can make us bleed.
We learned to give and we learned that there were somethings we would need.
I learned, that what I needed was you.
God not only sent me an Angel, he sent me two.
He sent me someone to make me smile and laugh and to wipe away my tears,
And someone to hug and someone to listen to and someone to calm my fears.
God sent me a best friend,
Whose love I knew would never end.
God not only sent me an Angel, he sent me two.
God sent me you.

hate

2008-08-13T23:57:00.000-07:00

I hate the way you hurt me.
I hate the way my tears burn my eyes.
I hate the way the pressure in my head hurts so much,
I hate that I'm sure a bullet would feel much better.
I hate the way my soul feels like it's screaming.
I hate the way I can't eat, or sleep, or even think.
I hate that my dreams seem insignificant now.
I hate being afraid to trust someone else.
I hate having to tell them I'm not ready yet.
I hate this nothingness inside.
I hate that I'd rather not be alive.
I hate the way I let you control me.
I hate that I feel as if I could never love again.
I hate that I was willing to sacrifice so much to be with you.
I hate it when I feel this way.
I hate that I can't move on,
I hate that you keep coming back to hurt me.
I hate the things you say.
I hate the things you do.
But, what I hate more than anything,
Is that I don't hate you!

hearing my voice

2008-08-13T23:56:00.000-07:00

Press record, rewind and play
Throw it across the floor.
Why can't I hear my soul instead of what I say?
There is so much more. . .
Down my cheeks hot tears are streaming.
These mad emotions in my head!
And inside my heart is screaming. . .
My spirit might as well be dead!

hopeful toes

2008-08-13T23:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes,
Life gets so tough
That you have to plant your feet
Steadily on the ground,
And walk upright with your head held high,
But with your eyes fixed on your toes. . .
Because your toe-ring,
Says "hope" on it.

i meant it

2008-08-13T23:54:00.002-07:00

When I said I couldn't live
without you
I meant it.
Because I'm dying inside.

i thought you could

2008-08-13T23:54:00.001-07:00

Exhausted from emotion
I thought for sure
That there'd be a message,
A long, heart-felt apology.
But there wasn't.
So I thought I'd hurt myself
One more time and check again,
I thought for sure I'd imagined.
But I didn't.
Then I saw you,
You, completely oblivious
To the neon sign flashing above my head.
"I need you. I need you. I need you.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!"
As it kills a broken hearted fly.
I thought for sure you'd take me in your arms,
Where at least they could love me.
But you didn't.
Your simple smile smirked at me.
And I thought for sure you'd apologise,
At least for the sake of getting yourself
Some much-needeed action,
And to relieve the tension hanging in the air
For mine...For me.
But you didn't.
Like I'd thought for sure the night before
You'd notice my sign, my tears, my ache
And give me a little comfort.
But you didn't.
You just said that you felt like hell
Because of consequences
Coming into play.
So I took you in my arms.
And I made you smile, I made you laugh.
I thought for sure I could drive home
Without the tears blurring my eyes.
But I couldn't.
I thought for sure those yellow lines
would strangle me.
But, they didn't.
I thought for almost sure you could fill the void,
Make my heart smile, my soul laugh,
Make me love you like I love him,
But you can't.

someday

2008-08-13T23:53:00.001-07:00

Your love is like sunshine on a cold winter day,
Like dancing on your tiptoes, barefoot in the rain,
Like when you can't stop laughing
And you can't remember why,
Like when you're so high above the world,
You're certain you could fly.
Love, I want you forever someday.
When you touch me the wind whispers,
And when you smile I see the sunrise.
Your kiss is that of angels,
And in your eyes I see my soul.
Darling, I want you forever someday.
If I had one wish to wish upon the diamond stars,
I'd wish to give this love back to you.
Theres a feeling inside that I want you to know,
You're the one, and I can't let go.
And no matter how hard I try,
I can't say goodbye.
I want you forever someday.

in desperation

2008-08-13T23:51:00.000-07:00

In desperation.
give in.
Give up your heart.
In desperation hold me
in your arms.
Hold me till i drain
completely.
and i feel the feeling
you give me.
like fire after cold.
rest after weariness.
Relief, such relief you are!
In desperation let me
bury my face in your chest
And lose myself
in your cloudless heaven.
In desperation bury
your face in my hair and
Cry.
Cry those sugary tears.
let me lift your head
and kiss them away forever
again and again.
In desperation
let me hold you
let me take away your
Vicious Pain.
the poisonous demons that
wrench your beautiful heart.
In desperation
give in
let your heart take rule and
kiss me
Softly
love me
Let me love you.
Let me kiss you.
Let me hold you.
Let me take your torment
away.
Then, look in the mirror.
See through that crystal body
that glistens in the sunlight
and makes rainbows on my smile.
See through to your soul
See what I have seen all along
and whisper
"Beautiful."
And feel desperation no more.

kill me

2008-08-13T23:50:00.000-07:00

Harder.
Deeper.
Twist that knife a little more.
Rip it up, Baby.
Go ahead.
Break my heart once again.
Tear it to pieces.
Chew it up.
Spit it out, Baby.
Why don't you
Put out that joint on it?
Go ahead.
Hurt me, Baby.
Hurt me because I love you.
Hurt me because I care.
Hurt me because I haven't given up on you.
Hurt me because I'm the only one who won't.
Go ahead.
Do it again, Baby.
Again.
Go ahead once more.
I'm used to it by now.
Yet it hurts just as bad.
But you don't seem to care.
So, why should I?
Go ahead.
Break it again, Baby.
See how much more
You can kill me!
Kill me!

lacking

2008-08-13T23:49:00.000-07:00

Your eyes would shame the heavens
Or make the sun rise.
You smile would woo the world.
How much I miss you,
I cannot describe.
I miss everything about you,
even the parts that made me cry.
I miss us. I miss you. I miss me.
I am missing a part of me.
She's beautiful, happy and alive.
I'm missing her courage, her strength,
her hope, her faith, her genuine laugh,
The sparkle in her eye, the love in her sighs.
I'm missing, the stars in the skies.
I think you have her, you're keeping her with you,
along with my heart, you're keeping her captive.
I had never met her before, until I met you.
You introduced me to her, and we became one.
You bring out the best in me.
I miss you, I miss us, I miss me.

cry

2008-08-13T23:48:00.002-07:00

I find it somehow
Ironic
That a child's
First sign
Of life is a
Cry.

morning

2008-08-13T23:48:00.001-07:00

As I fight my blonde hair
In the mornings,
I stare at the girl glaring back at me
And wonder, who she is
And how she got so very far away.

memories

2008-08-13T23:46:00.001-07:00

Memories
Like the song of an Angel
She smiles in remembrance,
But weeps with a chorus of
Longing.

mirror, mirror

2008-08-13T23:45:00.001-07:00

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who is the fairest of us all?
Distorted image you paint before my eyes,
In my sight, nothing but lies.
I sicken myself as my mind looks back on reflection,
Pictures and words of so-called perfection.
They've warped our minds and consumed us one, by one.
We do anything and everthing that could possibly be done,
To "perfect" our bodies, regardless of pain.
And yet to be so vain,
that it becomes against ourselves a competition.
And hopelessly in our own minds, we never reach "perfection."

missing you

2008-08-13T23:44:00.000-07:00

Missing you is just a way of life.
The sun rises in the east,
And sets in the west.
The moon pulls the tide.
The stars fall.
It's just a way of life.
Sand falls from the hour glass.
The world spins round and round.
Trees blossom.
Roses wilt.
Seasons change.
It's just a way of life.
My heart belongs to you.
You never leave my mind.
I'll love you forever.
It's just a way of life.
Missing you has always been,
Just a way of life.
The only difference now,
Is that I wish that you were mine.

moonlit dream

2008-08-13T17:58:00.000-07:00

We lay in the bottom of a faded red canoe in each others arms.

I gaze up at the blazing sun descending from the soft array of brilliance,

that is fading away to darkness in the sky.

The stars emerge from the vast sea of black

sparkling like the diamonds in your eyes.

The envious moon shines on the waters

reflecting a beautiful silver light over everything its shadow touches.

I gaze up at you adoringly and you caress my cheek.

Your soft lips press against mine and for a moment I've left this earth.

Then to my disappointment I wake up. . .

and I'm gazing up at silver moon,

shining on the rippling water beneath our faded red canoe,

amongst the sparkling stars in the sky like those in your eyes.

prayers

2008-08-13T17:57:00.000-07:00

Do you know,
That every night,
I pray for you?
I pray so hard that I cry.
I beg and I plead,
While the tear drops fall.
Every night for as long as I live,
I pray for you.
I pray that God will keep you safe,
That he will keep you warm,
While I can't hold you in my arms.
I pray that He'll let you know,
That I would hold you if my arms could reach.
I pray that you'll have strength,
And you will have an open heart.
I pray that you will know that you are not alone.
I pray that you'll know He loves you,
And just how much He does,
That you really do have so much worth,
That you really are so beautiful.
I pray that he'll tell you,
Everyone makes mistakes,
And that everyone can change.
I pray that he'll tell you,
How much you've changed my life.
I pray that he'll help me give it back to you,
That you'll reach for me when you need me,
And that I may have the strength to catch you when you fall.
That He will somehow tell you of the measure of my love.
I pray that I'll be strong as I watch you walk the road ahead.
I pray that I'll be guided, to lend you my hand when you need it,
And walk away when I should.
Every night I cry as I plead so fervently.
Every night, I pray.

my Reedeemer

2008-08-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

He cured the sick and healed the blind
This wonderful man so gentle and kind
He healed the deaf and rose the dead
Aching hearts he did mend

A crown of thorns upon his head
From every pore he bled
Nails piercing his healing hands
He carried his own cross across the lands
Great suffering he did endure
This loving man so strong and pure
Wept tears of grief and pain
So we could return home again

"For God so loved the world that
he gave his only begotten Son,
that whosoever believeth in him shall
not perish but shall have everlasting life."
St. John 3:16

obsessive

2008-08-13T17:55:00.000-07:00

Why do I evaluate my self worth
In comparison to my dress size?
Why did they have to make size zero,
When I was finally satisfied with one?
Why do I deliberately avoid mirrors?
Or ponder if I could get my waistline to single digits?
Why do I read nutrition labels, on bottled water?
Why do I hate myself, when I eat three meals a day?
Why can I fell my stomach blow up like a balloon,
When I eat more than seven nonfat crackers?
Why do I read beauty magazines,
When they make me feel repulsive?
Why do I find myself comparing even my toes,
To those that I feel I can never measure up too?
Why, when I look in the mirror,
Do I see an ugly girl staring back at me?

ocean

2008-08-13T17:54:00.002-07:00

I sit here listening to talk of who likes who
And he said she said and
I try to pretend to be interested
Just to see if I can fool them
Once more.
I do.
I wonder if I am really an ocean deep
With waves of disturbance, controlled by the moon
Crashing inside of me.
Or, if I just pretend to be-
Just to feel different. . .
Or rather more than lipgloss and nail polish.
Then, I feel a wave crash.
I know I am real.

once upon a time

2008-08-13T17:54:00.001-07:00

I speak cautiously
And I feel her burning stare
What is playing through her mind?
I hang my head in sickening shame.
Then, I wonder what you would say
To lift my chin to the sky.
And then, I can smile again.
Because once, I made your heart smile,
And you loved me.

pain

2008-08-13T17:52:00.002-07:00

Can you hear my soul screaming?
Does it wake you in the night?
Can you still feel it when I cry?
Does your head pound for no apparent reason?
Have you tasted the venom of my heart in your teeth?
Can you feel my heart crumbling beneath your feet?

piercing arrow

2008-08-13T17:52:00.001-07:00

Tears run dry.
As your arrow
Pierces my heart
With a numbing venom,
An acid that denigrates the soul
Like a bullet to the brain,
Life has no meaning
As I plummet from nirvana
And bear this heavy cross
That you bestowed upon me.
Tomorrow is uncertain-
nonexistent now.
Without you, my soul cries.
Because your love
Now, as a rose overgrown with thorns
That draw my blood,
Is utterly irreplaceable.
And yet, my love for you is as incalculable
As the breath that fills the space
Between the stars. . .
That I once saw in your eyes.

platinum blonde

2008-08-13T17:47:00.000-07:00

Who is that girl?
In the red dress
Writing her name
In cursive
With her hips,
Out on
The dance floor?
The platinum blonde hair. . .
Is that real?
I can hear what she is saying
Inside her head.
Is this me?
Don't think.
Just dance.
Smile.
That cherry red lipstick smile.
Shiny and painted on with such care.
Perfectly matching her fake nails.
That platinum blonde hair. . .
It can't be real.
Tick. tick. tick.
Goes the bomb,
Like the
Click. click. click.
Of her chunky heels
Against the mock-marble floor.
Tick, tick, tick,
Click, click, click.
Tickticktick!
Clickclickclick!
Slam goes the bathroom door.
And the tears flow like
The ice water
From the faucet.
I can hear what shes saying
Inside her head.
I hate this. I hate you!
Why can't I deal with this. . .nothingness?
This is nothing. Nothing nothing.
Nobody knows that the click click and the tick tick
Finally went off for the night.
Because she wouldn't dare let you see
Past that cherry red smile,
That dance.
Those perfectly matched fake nails
And that perfectly platinum blonde hair!
She wouldn't dare let you see her fall apart
And actually let you see
How much those words
Kill her.
Finally she paints on that cherry smile.
And with her perfect fake nails,
Smooths that perfectly platinum blonde hair.
And her perfectly matched heels
Click against the mock-marble tile.
She has to go she says
After a few perfect drunk guys chat her up.
As she walks through the door.
You ask "Who does your hair? That can't be real!"
"It's not," she says with that cherry smile.
As she runs out the door
And lets the rain soak her platinum blonde hair.
Melting it away.

prince charming called

2008-08-13T17:46:00.000-07:00

Prince Charming called
So my heart smiled and did cartwheels.
So, I put on my glass slippers,
And my beautiful Cinderella dress.
I spun around in circles,
And made my dress go poof.
I danced around my room,
Even though he wasn't there.
I remembered the ball,
And escaped back to his arms.
Prince Charming called,
So my heart did cartwheels,
And my dress went poof,
I haven't lost my slipper yet. . .
But he thinks my feet are cute.

regarding my former poem, "don't"

2008-08-13T17:45:00.000-07:00

Dear. . .boyfriend,
I want to applaud you
In your efforts to satisfy me.
You must've read my poetry
Like you said you did...
Because in regards to my former poem
"Don't"
You are doing an
excellent
job.
I've learned to wipe
my own tears.

remember

2008-08-13T17:44:00.002-07:00

I panick when I think
That it too is fading.
Because that is all I have
Left of you.
I don't want to forget
The sound of your voice.
The music of your laughter.
I don't want to forget
The scent of your skin.
The feel of your touch.
I don't want to forget
Every look on your face.
The stars in your eyes.
I don't want to forget
The taste of your sweet, sweet kiss.
The warmth of your arms around me.
I don't want to forget
Every word.
Every smile.
Every kiss.
Every touch.
Every glance.
Every gesture.
I'll always remember
Everything.
Will you?

rooftop

2008-08-13T17:44:00.001-07:00

The moon smiles down upon me,
I'm crying again, and she doesn't seem to care.
The stars continue to shine in thier endless darkened sea;
Shining, shimmering, caressing everything with a silver jealous glare.
I sigh at our oh-so-sudden twist of fate;
As the crickets sing my heart to sleep with their same sweet song.
For you, my sweet, my heart contiues to wait.
The sky drinks my salty tears, for in my arms, you belong.

weeds

2008-08-13T17:42:00.000-07:00

The dandelion chokes
The wild rose.
You tamed this wild heart of mine,
Look. . .there it goes.
If you don't want me, Love
Let go of my heart.
If you want me, Love
Quit making my soul fall apart.
If you don't want me, Love
Then why didn't I see all of those lies,
If you don't want me, Love
Why didn't I see them in those beautiful eyes?
If you don't want me, Love
Why do I chase run away dreams,
If you don't want me, Love
Why do I run the opposite direction, farther away?
If you want me, Love
Then why are you even running away?
You must not want me. . . Love.

scissors

2008-08-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

I was simply your puppet on a string,
Amazingly putting up with everything
Because I loved you so.
It sickens me to think, I let you have that much control.
I did everything in my power to make you happy,
I loved and adored you unconditionally.
You toyed carelessly with my heart.
You deceived me, made me cry and ripped my soul apart.
Your mistake.
My heartbreak.
No longer will I be your play thing,
It's time to cut the string.
I am moving on, no more will you consume me.
I'll find happiness, a new reason to be.
Each time you crush my mangled heart again, I hope the action mirrors.
Choke on my hurt-filled tears.
I will be your puppet on a string, no more.

self-worth

2008-08-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

I felt your burning stare
That sent my skin crawling
And I even saw that finger
Your whisper. . .so discreet.
So for your convenience
I thought I'd answer all of those questions
That I hope are burning your brains out:
No, I am not high because
Yes, my brain functions superior to that.
No, my mind is just fine-
You should know what I think of you now.
No I am not insane. . .
But I think I'm getting there.
No, I am not deaf,
I hear the taunts too well.
Nor am I a foreign exchange student;
I've been in this position many times before.
No that wasn't a prank phone call and
No this is not a dare. . .
This isn't worth your laughs.
No this isn't a game
Though you seem to think it is.
I'm terribly sick of playing
But roll the dice if you insist.
Yes, well maybe my mouth is full;
Full of unspoken words that could
Tear at your heart too.
But as I turn and walk silently away with
Tears burning my eyes
That I can't let you see and
White knuckles that would
Like to strangle you
I hope it was worth it.
I hope it made you smile.
I hope you found your
Cheap entertainment.
Because the price was high.
Tomorrow I'll forgive you
The hate will fade
Into your words, forever hanging in the air.
But you can't ever see my eyes again
Or hear them laugh
See me breathe
Or feel my smile
Because for all tomorrows
When we encounter
The lump in my throat,
The sting of my eyes,
The fire of my heart,
Will force my feet away,
Away from you and all of the rest of them.
Your faces, names, your circumstance
Are forever etched in a heart
You try to turn to stone
But you won't succeed.
So tell me,
Was it worth it?

shame

2008-08-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

Such a pretty name
Such a gorgeous girl
Such a shame
Such dreams she has
Such talent
Such a shame
Shame, Shame, Shame
I am such a shame
Why?
Shame, Shame, shame
Why?
I scream and fall to my knees
Why?
Shame, Shame, Shame
I shake with anger and frustration
Shame, Shame, Shame
Why?
I walk down the street
People stare
Such a pretty name
Such a gorgeous girl
I speak
They stop
They whisper:
Such a shame
Shame, Shame, Shame
I am alone
Why?
I scream, fall to my knees and shake
Shame

slide

2008-08-13T17:38:00.000-07:00

I went
running today,
running from insanity.
I stopped at the park and
I slid down the slippery slide
When nobody was looking, and
It felt so good that I smiled, the entire way home.

smile

2008-08-12T19:36:00.000-07:00

Smile, Baby,
It won't break you.
(I'll pick up the peices and
put you back together.)
Smile, Baby,
Unlock those soul-confining chains.
(Its my turn to set you free.)
Smile, Baby,
A little sunshine won't burn.
(Just a little.)
Smile, Baby,
Don't be scared.
(I'll hold your hand. . .
I'll hold your hand.)
Smile, Baby,
Smile that smile of yours.
(The one that makes rainbows
on mine.)
Smile, Baby. . .
(I'll cry the tears.)

still

2008-08-12T19:34:00.000-07:00

I can hear your voice through a photograph,
I can almost feel your touch.
I can taste your kiss and smell your cologne.
I miss that smile so much. . .
I still sleep with your sweatshirt,
I can still see you standing there, looking at me.
I still can't let you go.
And still, I can't say goodbye.
How could I ever just shut you away?
You can't possibly be just a sweet memory.
Still, you mean too much to me.
How can I just put you in a shoebox,
And not give you another thought?
Give up on you, on us,
On everything I've been fighting for?
I still go out,
I still smile and I still laugh.
But still, every time the phone rings,
My heart still skips a beat.
You still have me crazy over you.
And still, I won't just shut you away,
I'm gonna make you happy someday.

kisses and giggles

2008-08-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

I keep looking at
My Swing
Where we sat as it
Creaked and croaked
while we laughed at it.
Kisses and Giggles,
Feet and toes playfully
Kissing each other
As you Held me
You held me. . .
You've always known to
Hold me.
And I touched your face
My fingers spilling adoration
On your cheeks and lips
While the wind blew and made our
Noses rosy and cold
(That we rubbed against each other,
and we were so warm again. . .)
And made our tongues, that talked softly
(The same tongue that kissed me. . .)
Like cherry popsicles.

It swings seemingly empty now
Holding two white, invisible Angels
That swing glittery starlight legs
Back and forth, Back and forth
Kissing and Giggling
As it Creeks and Croaks in reply
To the whisper of the wind.

Underneath, a pile of sunlight leaves
have fallen
That I would play in if I was
Me.
And just beside my swing, sits my tree
With its old low arm that seems
To reach down to hug me
And my clay Fairy lies on top,
upon her stomach
smiling when the branch sways
a little in the wind
As she looks down at my garden rock,
that says. . .
Believe!

shani

2008-08-12T19:29:00.000-07:00

When I can finally stop crying,
And dance in the rain.
When frowns turn to laughter,
Whenever I hear you call my name.
How all of your hugs
Set my smiles free.
And how those simple things
Can mean so much to me,
And when they remind me of your love.
Thats when I know,
You're my other Angel from above.
To love forever and always be
My salvation from the pain,
Someone to comfort too,
And to dance with in the rain.

For Shani

there comes a time

2008-08-12T19:28:00.000-07:00

If I ran away,
Would you follow me?
If you made me cry,
Would you kiss the tears away?
If you broke my heart into a million peices,
Would you hold me, when I came back to you?
If I didn't know if you loved me,
Would you tell me?
Would you keep me forever,
Or is this just a dream
And will I soon awaken?
Will you let me hold you in my arms again?
Will you let me ease your terrible pain?
Will you cry in my arms
And let me kiss your tears away?
Will you listen to me just once,
As I come to you once more
With no demands,
Only comming only to give
And to receive nothing,
Not even your love?
I'd give you all I have, and even more.
I'd give you my life, my world,
Just to see you smile.
But there comes a time,
When too many tears have fallen
And your heart is too confused.
When your soul is hurt and broken
And you feel your dreams have been used.
There comes a time when you pick up the peices
Of something you can't make out.
There comes a time when you just let go.
And all you can do, is hope that destiny is gentle
And faith stronger still.
When you trust in God, and let him do his will.
When you don't say "Goodbye, Love."
But "Goodnight, Love."
And you let it rest
And you give it time.
When you have to know I'm not leaving,
That I'll only be here, always here.
Always loving you,
Always cherishing you, in my heart.
Always hoping, we won't always be apart.
Always waiting, for you to reach for me.
Always loving you and only you.
Never ever letting go.
Always waiting for your "Hello,"
Never saying "Goodbye."

tired

2008-08-12T19:26:00.000-07:00

bullet to the brain....
softer than this pain...
so tired of life...
why can't i bear this strife?

when i first saw you

2008-08-12T19:25:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time I saw you,
You were dancing, making your dress twirl round.
Heavenly Father told me there was a task I must do,
I couldn't wait to tell him what I'd found.
"She's the one!" I said excitedly "That's who is to be my mother."
"I'm so sorry," he sadly replied,
"you will have to choose another."
"But, I can't choose someone else!" I cried,
"There is no other."
"Father, of this I am sure. She is the only one."
"Well, let me see," he began sympathetically,
"I'm sure there's something to be done."
"There is a way, but a struggle it will be."
"I know," I whispered "I've been shown before."
"But, she'll pull me through, and she'll help me."
"I'll be here too, for you both," he said "You just have to open the door."
"Tell me what to do Father," I said, "tell me the plan."
"You will not be carried in her stomach, but in her heart."
"But, there is a young woman who loves a young man,"
"to give you life will be her part."

"From her arms you will go,"
"to the little girl's with the twirling dress."
You are the perfect one, I know.
I would not settle for any less.

For Mom

why

2008-08-12T19:24:00.001-07:00

Unkept Promises.
Shattered Dreams.
Broken Heart,
Beyond repair.
Desolation and Despair.
Why did you have to throw everything away,
After all the miracles we shared?
I drown in a sea of tears.
Memories vivid,
Eat at my heart with a longing.
Everyone and everything
Whispers your name to my soul.
Why can't I stop thinking of you?
Emptiness consumes me.
I ache for your arms around me and for
This sense of worthlessness to be done away with.
Like a vulture, you ripped out my heart
And you left me to die.
So why do I still so effortlessly, hopelessly
Love you?
Lately I've been waking with tears in my eyes
Screaming your name,
Reaching desperately for you.
I try hopelessly to move forward,
Yet days seem like years without you.
Why can't I go on without you?
My soul screams for its other half
My lips cry for your kiss
My hands ache to hold yours
My eyes weep to look into the mirrors of your soul
My heart is broken, battered, shattered and torn
In your hands, still.
Why?

wild heart

2008-08-12T19:23:00.000-07:00

Tonight I'm going to say goodbye.
Tonight I'll break
Your heart.
Take away tomorrow
And leave you with nothing
But yesterday and
Our memories.
Tonight I'm going to break your heart
Because I can't take the deception
My heart is telling my head . . .
Because when you hold me in your arms
I close my eyes too tight
And I lie, In your arms I lie.
I never meant to hurt you
But my wings are beating against
Closed windows,
And I must fly.
You cannot tame my wild heart
But oh, I know you tried.

without you

2008-08-12T19:21:00.000-07:00

I don't cry because its over
Anymore;
I smile because it happened
And it was Beautiful.
And in the Battle of Hope and Despair
Forever always wins . . .

And even though I'm living
Without you;
Without you, I wouldn't be me
And if there hadn't been you
I wouldn't believe in Dreams.

Without you I wouldn't be your Angel Girl
And if there hadn't been you
Fairy Dust would not exist in this world.

Without you I wouldn't be this strong
And if there hadn't been you
I couldn't have made it this long.

Without you I wouldn't be here without you today
And if there hadn't been you
I wouldn't be okay.

Without you I'd never find my soul in anyone's eyes
And if there hadn't been you
I wouldn't see through your heart's disguise

Without you I wouldn't know love
And if there hadn't been you
I'd never feel anything this Beautiful sent from above.

Without you I wouldn't see my own value
And if there hadn't been you
What would I hold on to?

Without you sunsets wouldn't be as Beautiful
And if there hadn't been you,
Wish-upon-a-stars would too soon fall.

Without you my smiles wouldn't sing like they do
And if there hadn't been you
I wouldn't know the bliss of just thinking of you.

Without you I wouldn't know how to fly
And if there hadn't been you
In Despair the Angels would cry.

Without you my fairytale wouldn't be true
And if there hadn't been you
I wouldn't know to believe in you.

And if there hadn't been you
My heart would be so sad.
But, There was you.
There was you . . .

jekel and hyde

2008-08-12T19:20:00.000-07:00

Mascara stained pillows are choked
By the twisted sheets of sleepless nights,
And the muffled sobs scream out for yesterday
Or maybe tomorrow?
And your arms.
No, not you.
You- the arms that hold me.
The fingers: tangled and safe.
Soft, tender, singing voice. . .
These tormented nights miss you.
Not the rigid, forgetful arms
And cold hands that push me away!
Not the foreign, distant, crazy sound:
"Stupid Bitch."
They scream for the want to strangle you
In their twisted, sweaty torture.
And muffled sobs desire to see you
Lying in your brain, twisted and choked-
Your muffled screams they want to hear
From beneath themselves.
Hurt.

fairytale

2008-08-12T19:19:00.000-07:00

His Angel Princess
Trapped inside the tower
Of her self-constructed misery
Saved by the star-filled eyes of
Her Prince Charming and
His smile-
The one she painted a million times
Saved from a fate of death by soul
Only to fall to a fate of hopeless love
Blinded by his brilliance
Struck senseless by his love
She could not see those chains
He concealed so well
-Even while wiping away
Her tears and throwing them
Into their sea of star dusted dreams
And slaying the demons
Of her winged and wild heart
And cold now, she asks
How can she save her gallant Prince?
How can she slay the dragon he feeds?
If only she could shatter the eyes...
The distorted mirrors of his soul
If the dragon’s eyes bled her love
Would he then see he is Beautiful?
And then, would Happily Ever After
Begin?

rotten

2008-08-12T19:18:00.000-07:00

Life has sucked out of me
The sweet nectar in my veins
And has scraped the zest
From my knees
Leaving me bony
And exposed.
My flesh is covered
In spots of bruising.
I am bitter
And require an acquired taste.
I have gone rotten and have spoiled
And I am only eighteen years old.

the bitter absense of arms

2008-08-12T19:17:00.000-07:00

I wish I could run from this
Bitter loneliness.
I wish I could hide.
But more than anything,
I only long to be held
In strong arms
And my hair soothed of
Its heartache.
But alas, there are
No arms
For me to escape to.
Only those of my twisted,
Tear stained sheets
And my cold,
Empty
Bed.

10/29/02

one fairytale

2008-08-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

You always knew just the right thing to say;
You could melt the iciest heart with that charm.
You knew it was the little things that counted
So you made everything you could purple
And told me I was beautiful, every single day.
You could sense when my heart was hurting
And could turn the blackest night into day
Just by holding me right where I fit best . . .
In those arms of yours.
I wonder sometimes if I’ll ever fit like that
In anyone else’s.
I worry that I’ll only get
One fairytale.

go now

2008-08-12T19:15:00.002-07:00

Go Now
And leave me
Without so much
As a taste of
The fruit of your lips.
My heart
Cannot bear it
Any longer.

endless

2008-08-12T19:15:00.001-07:00

I keep waiting for myself
to awaken from the beautiful dream
that you are.
But it seems,
your magic is endless.

the tradgic yet familiar loss of my best friend

2008-08-12T19:14:00.000-07:00

My head feels heavy
And hopeless tonight.
The silence between us is thick
But the distance thicker.
It’s a long drive home
For having nothing to say.
It’s so hard not to think
Of how it used to be.
Its hard not to miss you-
Or try to fix it anymore.
I’ve done all I can,
And now,
It’s all your fault-
It’s all your fault!
It’s so hard to breathe
With you sitting next to me.
But it’s not supposed to be this way-
It’s not supposed to be this way.

pause not

2008-08-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

Cut the cord and do it
Quick.
Pause not for thought-
to severe each tiny nerve,
(as if I were nothing)
one by one, by one.
Sharpen the blade that
you've used for so long, Love.
(It's getting dull.)
Please, be truthful-
Put away those kid gloves,
though my blood will stain
your hands.
But do it quickly.
Then please, give me
something to numb the
pain.

on the withered sofa

2008-08-12T19:12:00.000-07:00

It is dusk
and the stars
are just beginning
to shine.
On the withered sofa,
we lay entwined-
fingers and legs
all tangled and safe.
Eyelids droop
As your hands find their way
through my hair.
It is then that I realize
I've been waiting for this moment
All of my life.

medicate yourself

2008-08-12T19:11:00.000-07:00

These pills are hard to swallow
Mixed with all these tears
They
just
Slide
mercilessly on
Your tongue and then
Choke down your throat-
Dry and sudden
As you pretend not to taste
The gagging red syrup
Suffocating you
Or feel the pleading needles with
No more veins to collapse.
You read "Pain Relief" on one
Of the many bottles and as
You peel it off,
You start to cry.

pretty brown eyes

2008-08-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

How dare you close
Those pretty brown eyes
And sleep so peacefully
When you know
That I lie awake,
My teary eyes dripping
For all
That was not said.
How dare you close
Those pretty
Brown eyes.

3/20/03

earthworm tradgedy

2008-08-12T19:08:00.000-07:00

Today it rained
And millions of earthworms,
Squirming, helpless-- limbless,
Were condemned to a tragic death . . .
Torn from their earthworm holes
And swept to the sidewalk
Only to be crushed
By careless feet;
Their tiny carcasses
Strewn and smushed
Against the cold, hard, pavement.

3/28/2003

first snow

2008-08-12T19:07:00.002-07:00

Snow flakes dance softly
On the window sill
While delicate crystals
Frost the tips of trees
Enchanting them
With all of their wonder.

tonight

2008-08-12T19:07:00.001-07:00

I know our story has ended,
I know our time is through
I only have one last request
One thing to ask of you.

I was just wondering if maybe
Perhaps for just tonight
You could come and hold me
And tell me everything will be alright.

I’m lying sleepless in this hospital bed
And this flaming IV will not calm my soul.
With each drip, a new trepidation fills my head.
By starlight, I’m missing you so.

So very much has happened and
I’m frightened and alone
I’m afraid of what tomorrow brings
There’s so much still unknown.

I need strong arms to hold me
And keep me from the cold
I need to feel your familiar heart beat.
And so at the risk of sounding bold,
I ask God, please for just one night
Give me back my Angel
And give me rest tonight.

fragile

2008-08-12T19:05:00.000-07:00

When you look at me
With those wolfish eyes
A gaze so intense
And unbidden
You seem to see right
Into me
Gazing with sadness
Upon my fragile heart
Tattered, purple, frayed and
Shattered pieces
That cling to one another
By means of cheap scotch tape
And with each struggling
Beat
It pleads,
“Please, Handle me
With care.”

in the mourning

2008-08-12T19:04:00.000-07:00

Get some sleep, darling
Things will look better
In the mourning
Things will look better, and
Nobody will know
Don’t worry that your eyes
Are bleeding
And your face is sullen
And swollen with fright
Nobody will notice your throbbing
Head
Or your quivering, lonely lip
Nobody will notice that your
Wings have been clipped
Girl, you’re grounded now
Get some sleep, Love
Things will look better
In the mourning

train wreck

2008-08-12T19:03:00.000-07:00

Love, you’re like a train wreck
And I knew
I knew I should’ve never
Stepped aboard
Love, you’re like a train wreck
And the odds of survival
Are slim
I should exit while I can
First instincts always win
But at the door, I pause
I want to believe you
I want to believe the tracks
Do not end
But my defense mechanism
Has been activated
And now my heart is scared
And unsure
Perhaps if I detach myself
From all that you mean
Perhaps if I convince myself
You never meant anything
You said
But I know your truth . . . I know
You did
Love, you’re like a train wreck
And I don’t know
If I can stay aboard

salted

2008-08-12T19:02:00.000-07:00

You’re like salt
on an old wound, Love,
A scab that I’ve been
Picking at for years.
But, Sweetheart, this
nervous habit is getting boring.
And Lately, you’ve been drawing
So much blood . . .
With every word unspoken
Every commitment disappointed
Every goodnight kiss lost
And every time I walk to my car
All alone . . .
There’s so much blood.
Is this always what it feels like
When you fall in love?
This is always what happens
When I fall in love.
Perhaps I shouldn’t
Fall in love . . .
There’s just too much
Blood.

another lonely wednesday

2008-08-12T19:01:00.000-07:00

“He’s letting you down easy.
Get out while you still have
What’s left of your heart
And your dignity,” she says.
“You’re so naïve,” he says,
“he only wanted sex, and now
He wants out.”
“There are other fish in the sea,”
She says, “You’ve been out four times already,
And today, Matt called you Beautiful.”
“Yeah,” he says, “He doesn’t realize,
How lucky he is.”
“Yes,” she agrees, “He doesn’t see
Your value, anymore.”
And silence engulfs me,
As I digest these sharp words
And try to swallow them whole,
Chasing them down with tepid tears.
“But he asked me to the party!”
I argue, “besides, you don’t even know,
I‘m willing to take things slow.”
“He only wants a piece, you’re so naïve.”
And I have to leave
So they won’t see the tears, stinging
My swollen eyes.
“Come out, come out,” they say,
“We just don’t want to see you hurt.”
Well it’s too late for that now,
Isn’t it?
And you aren’t, are you . . . ?
And you do, don’t you . . . ?
And why do I . . . ?
And why can’t I just walk away
While my head can still be held high?
Because I miss you
I just can’t toss you away
I miss your kisses
And your roguish smile
And our giggles
And how ticklish you are
And our long conversations in each other’s arms
And the stupid smile
That grazes my face in the morning
After 3 hours of sleep
On Wednesday.
So how do I throw
All of that away?
How do I face
Another lonely Wednesday?

thanks for the roses

2008-08-12T18:59:00.002-07:00

Thank you for the roses
They were purple
As always . . .
And the sentiment was sweet
But you should know
Now, my favorite color is pink;
Purple makes me think of you.
I dreampt of you the night I got them,
Of the day you’ll come to see me
You were so charming
And familiar . . .
We sat at our favorite restaurant
In the back corner booth
And our hands held each other
Across the table
And you loved my hair
(Its never been this long before)
And you couldn’t quit telling me
That I was beautiful
And I ordered soup
And you ordered chicken
And I ate half of yours
And you ate half of mine
And afterwards we drove to your hotel
And fell asleep in each other’s arms
But I woke up at four in the morning
Thinking you were someone else
So I left you a lipstick note
On hotel stationary
“I’m sorry” in the place of my head
That laid upon your chest
And I wouldn’t return your calls
And I wouldn’t come to the door
And you finally quit trying
When you turned over my note
And you saw with teary eyes
“P.S. I never meant to hurt you
But you know what they say
What goes around comes around . . .
And Darling,
isn’t payback such a bitch?
Thanks for the roses.”

tripping

2008-08-12T18:59:00.001-07:00

There is a wall between us
Of unspoken words and
Lost embraces
And lonely walks home
And doubting hearts
And defensive ones too
And teary nights spent
All alone
Of surface conversations
And unspoken accusations
And this stupid game
In which we’re now inclined
to play.
And its pushing a wedge
So far between us
So lets make a deal
A despondent compromise
I’ll let down my defenses
You calm your fears
No more absent phone calls
No more hasty conclusions
Lets take things slow
As in the original plan
This time
Lets drift slowly into love
Instead of tripping

moonstruck

2008-08-12T18:58:00.001-07:00

Watching Moonstruck
Made me sad.
Ronny reminds me
So much of you:
Strong, masculine physique
Yet such a gentle touch.
A man whose deep torment
Is manifested in intense eyes;
Blue or grey, depending on the sun.
Manner and appearance
Reminiscent of
A beautiful, but lonely wolf.
One who fell so unknowingly
Into love’s trap
So frightened that he chewed off
His own leg
To get away.
I never meant to trap you,
Only to keep you for my own.
Forgive me, love,
I was moonstruck.

p.s. i miss you

2008-08-12T18:57:00.000-07:00

I know by now
I should be over you,
My longing should be gone
My tears shed no more.
But it seems
My decision to end it
Was rash
Because I fear
It has only just begun:
I miss you.

hungry

2008-08-12T18:56:00.000-07:00

Empty eyes stare back at me
And sullen lips part
In pleading silence
As a tear drop hits the floor
I’m not sure my heart is beating
On its own anymore.
My belly is hollow now
And I’m starving for the love
That once, we gorged ourselves upon
When you fed me pretty words
and glances
Each one encrusted with glitter
Pink, and sparkley . . .
(You knew I couldn’t resist!)
My insides ache
For the love we devoured
But at this point, I’d even settle
For the latter crumbs.

butterfly, butterfly

2008-08-12T18:55:00.000-07:00

Break free, Butterfly, break free.
Release yourself of your
tightly woven cocoon
(One that resembles mine)
And fly.
Each strand of silk a tribulation,
Each strand a new feat to
Overcome, only making you stronger.
Come out, Butterfly, come out.
Let the sun warm your wings,
Let the light give you hope;
The strength to make you fly.
Fly, Butterfly, fly.
Spread your wings and fly.
Fly fearlessly, butterfly,
Fly into the dawn of a new day.
And when the sun warms my body
I too, someday, will fly.

girls

2008-08-12T18:54:00.001-07:00

Every night at the gym
I watch girls around me
In sports bras and pajama pants
And swinging pony tails
Freaking out on elliptical runners
And treadmills, and bikes,
And stair-steppers and weights,
Begging to be skinny.
Hidden tears in their eyes,
And frustration on their
Furrowed, sweaty brows,
As they recall everything
They’ve eaten that day.
I imagine many of them like me
And my friends
Starving their bodies,
Shoving desperate fingers down their throats,
Filling their toilets with a sense
Of pride,
Popping laxative after laxative,
Counting calorie after calorie,
Carb after carb…
Fat gram after fat gram …
Weighing themselves on sinister scales
“That’s it. Tomorrow I only eat
Five frosted miniwheats.”
It satisfies me when I beat most of them
In the “whose skinner” contest;
It motivates me to freak out
On my machine
A little longer
To maintain my position
In the horrific hierarchy.
However, there is a girl I see
Every night
Whom I remain beneath.
Her pale flesh clings to
Tiny bones
That protrude fiercely
Sharp and proud.
She runs on the elliptical runner
In front of me,
Pedaling as fast as she can
Sweating out the only thing
She feeds herself.
She stops every half hour
To take her pulse
So both of us can be sure
She’s still alive.
I wonder how she motivates herself
To go that fast, for that long
Then I realize she is staring at
A pretty woman on T.V.
I know what is going through her mind,
“I want to look like her…
Faster! Harder! A little bit longer!
You should look like her.”
(Although she is already half her size)
How do I know, you ask?
It’s the same thing going through
My mind
As I look at her.

the breakdown

2008-08-12T18:52:00.000-07:00

up till three
quiz at eight
knots in my back
and grinds of my teeth
swollen ankles and
throbbing feet
thinning face and
have i eaten today?
laundry overflowing
funds depleting
sanity going
midterms and projects
meetings and interviews
and shifts I’m far too qualified
to endure
this was all so much easier
with your strong arms
to hold me

hunter's new place

2008-08-12T18:50:00.002-07:00

Ascending the dark,
despondent stairs,
a nail caught my sweater—
an urgent warning to turn around.
The door was shut
as I neared its unwelcoming frame
Already, the scent of old cigarettes
filled my sorry nostrils.
The kitchen was tiny
and white with heartbreak.
It was lit with just one bulb
and ashes gathered on the blades of the ceiling fan:
the remnants of cigarettes, and days of sunshine
long gone by.
His cupboards were bare . . .
and in his fridge, lay only an empty bottle of steak sauce
Proud in its defeat.
I wondered how long that steak sauce had sustained him
and wondered, “Why couldn’t I?”
I speculated as to how long his stomach had starved
as mine began to ache, and I began to cry.
Depleted cans of beer lay strew about the ground,
their presence much like his,
used till empty
and disregarded
on the floor.

fine print

2008-08-12T18:50:00.001-07:00

I read you my fine print
and I gave you my heart.
I handed you, so trustingly,
your chopping blade of choice.
You’re leaning now
with a sharp serrated edge,
pricking me with each
shallow breath.
You’re taunting me
dangling joy on a gold chain,
just beyond the reach
of my lips
disguising your indiscretion
with sparkling words
and shiny advances.
Finally, you place my hand
from the safety of your own
back into my lonely lap.
You’ve stopped calling now
the bell is without your voice.
I don’t know what happened
and I can’t help but ask. . .
Was it too much to handle?
Was it just too much to take?
Did you ever stop to think
It was my heart that was at stake?
Was it too complicated?
Not what you expected?
Boy, every pretty face
Comes with a catch.

misplaced

2008-08-12T18:49:00.001-07:00

I left my hat
at your house once
to ensure
a next-day call-back.
It worked.
But last night
I suddenly realized
I left my heart
on your dresser
and you never called.

wilson

2008-08-12T18:48:00.000-07:00

There is a wonderful man
in all of my classes
with an innate sense of fashion
and broken hearts.
We competed the first week of
linguistic enlightenment,
to see who could win
the best dressed award.
(that they’ve not given out
since high school!)
The second week came
and he has since given up.
My victory is bittersweet—
For now,
since I’ve lost you
as well as Wilson
whom might I get dressed for?

interrupted brilliance

2008-08-12T18:46:00.002-07:00

This morning there were
leaves dancing with the wind,
ring-around-the-rosie
on the ginger ground;
Their exteriors glittering gold
in the rising, tired sun.
Then, their brilliance
was tragically interrupted
by a set of careless, intruding feet
which I scowled at
the whole way home.

breathe your last breath of me

2008-08-12T18:46:00.001-07:00

365 breaths too late
you’ve suddenly realized
what it was you had
you want me now
when just one sigh ago
you weren’t quite sure.
Wait for you,
you say;
you need room for more breaths
time to figure things out.
I am waiting…
I’m waiting for someone
who can’t wait to be with me
and the breath he takes away from me
will be the last breath we take apart
and he’ll see me, right away,
for all that I am:
Everything you could ever want
and everything you’ll always regret

vegas ii

2008-08-12T18:45:00.001-07:00

As we walked home that night,
two sparkles moving along a strip
of cheap costume jewelry,
we followed her.
Tiny bones protruded from an awkward
thirteen-year-old frame
draped in slutty fabric
desperate to make up the difference.
She giggled as the man beside her
patted her bottom
and kept her from falling
over her tangled, dizzy feet.
He looked old enough to be
her grandfather…
a sick old man
craving something young and tender
to break.
We wondered how many drinks he’d bought her
and how many she thought she would need…
not enough in either case, we thought,
when she wandered out into the busy street.

as i lay dying

2008-08-12T18:44:00.001-07:00

My eyes can’t sleep
without your ghostly arms
I miss you singing me to sleep
I listen for your voice
but all I hear is heartache
your silence hurts my head
can’t you numb this pain?
I wish you’d just take me away
deep into your arms and
drown me in your heart
then I can live forever
can’t you see
I’m slowly dying inside!
I’m so lost and
I’m so lonely and
It hurts to breathe anymore
I think I’m starting to believe you
When you said, “It just isn’t meant to be...”
You had a choice
But you chose tears and anger
instead of me
And I can’t do this anymore
I can’t keep killing myself
over your anguished heart
I choose to live
and I choose to breathe
And to sing my heart to smile
as I lay dying

echo

2008-08-12T18:43:00.000-07:00

I don’t like to talk to you
in big rooms.
Your echo seems
too far away
for mine to reach.